God Waited on Me and Brought me to a Place of Solace II:
Futile Attempts, Yet Immersed Into Perfect Grace
I got a psychologist who seemed helpful for the time we spent together as she tried to ‘fix’ and help me out. We did a depression test together where I scored “severe” depression. She advised that I seek advanced medical care from an experienced doctor, a psychiatrist, so that I would be started on medications. With that score, she said that I needed more than just talk therapy, but something more fitting for my state. The label placed on me as “severely depressed” hurt more than what it truly felt like.
I didn’t see a doctor then, but since I knew very well which medications would help me feel a bit better, I opted for one class of anti-depressants for a while. Fortunately, Amitriptyline worked well for a couple of weeks until it didn’t anymore. My perceived wisdom towards wellness seemed futile, yet all along, even the Lord’s “foolishness” remained wiser than my own understanding (1 Corinthians 1:25) as I can testify to it now. The only long-lasting effect from the medication was weight gain, which I was ready to accept if it meant that I would cry less often at night. In addition to gaining a few kilos, my sleep cycle got so altered that I had a hard time waking up in the morning and spent some days with terrible headaches. The side effects piled up, but I chose to ignore them in the hope that I would eventually feel better. This echoed the story of the woman in the Bible who did all she could for her bleeding illness to be healed but instead got worse (Mark 5:25-26). From using this medicine, some days were bearable to go through in a way that I would cry less often, smile a bit longer, and love myself an inch more. Eventually, by the Lord’s great love, I was not wholly consumed by agony (Lamentations 3:22). However, other moments felt heavier and darker which pushed me to gradually increase my doses (in a healthy range), at which point all the side effects became cumbersome and made me stop the medicine.
On one beautiful Sunday (as someone who was not in my shoes would have described the day), I woke up wishing I hadn’t. As iron sharpens iron (Proverbs 27:17 NIV), God used one of my friends who did a lot of urging and preaching to bring me to fellowship service. I got ready to come and sat in the last row. I made sure I’d enter church after the praise and worship session had ended because I failed to find a reason to praise God. It felt and seemed as though the Creator had forsaken and forgotten about my miserable existence (Isaiah 49:14). I was convinced that worshiping or not would not change anything about my current state. When the preaching started, the devil’s lies became so loud within my head that I couldn’t focus on the sermon. In that moment, the truth of my adoption to sonship by my heavenly Father faded away. The reality of His blessings (my beautiful family, great friends, being in one of the best universities in the country, etc.) turned into an illusion. One of the lies was that I had become a shame to my family, and that I no longer mattered. I questioned why God had allowed my birth to happen and why I hadn’t perished at my first cry on earth (Job 3:11). I felt swept by so much pain, bitterness, regret, shame, and worthlessness. I stood up from my chair and went out quickly to hide some of the tears which had started falling down my cheeks. I went into my room and looked at my abandoned pills. I was convinced that I was too broken beyond repair and decided to attempt something silly. With my medication, I swallowed 5 times the dose I normally took. The intention was to sleep for a very long time with hope that when I wake up, God would have changed His mind concerning ending my pain. From that overdose state, I got so much disorientation, physical weakness, and felt my heart pound so fast that I thought it would stop beating. After the effects had subsided, I came back to my senses and figured that nothing about my pain had changed. I hated myself more and was consumed by feelings of excessive guilt and hopelessness. I wish I hadn’t woken up, just like Elijah, a man of incredible faith and genuine fellowship with God, who at one point of his life in discouragement prayed to God that he might die (1 Kings 19:4). So great was the sorrow which piled up in my heart then.
"My perceived wisdom towards wellness seemed futile, yet all along, even the Lord’s "foolishness" remained wiser than my own understanding...as I can testify to it now. "
To relieve the heavy feeling of despair using my medical knowledge, I tried another class of anti-depressants for 2 weeks. This class, however, proved to be worse than the first because of its debilitating side effects, so I dropped it as well. It looked as though I was eating and not having enough, drinking but not getting rid of the thirst, and clothing myself without ever getting warm (Haggai 1:6). At this point, I had lost hope of ever finding my path again. My psychologist said medications would help but none of them did. Like Job, I endured months of futility, and it felt as though nights of misery had been assigned to me (Job 7:3).
“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future (Jeremiah 29:11 NIV). “Such a lie for people to believe in!”, I thought. The more I read this verse, the more doubtful I became. I doubted His faithfulness and asked why He had let depression become my lot and why He was so slow in ending the turmoil to the point where I hated breathing. I dared to pose questions to the Almighty God! The devil’s machinery kept running in my mind in the form of voices that I was forgotten and oppressed which left my soul feeling disturbed (Psalm 42:9,11). I gave up on prayer because it seemed as though healing me was out of His reach.
My effort in seeking for help outside of God did not just stop there. It felt as though I had to fight for myself then. I met another doctor who prescribed another anti-depressant (the third option). My new prescription seemed better than the other choices because it had little to no side effects. It worked perfectly! I did appreciate some effects of happiness and calmness for a longer time than ever before.
With the stability I reaped from this new medication, I started thinking that God might still have some love left for me. Hope arose as I started believing that with the Lord’s help, I could advance against the troop of depression and scale its walls (Psalms 18:29). It’s quite heart-warming to see how graceful God remains even after we’ve given Him every reason to turn His back against us (2 Timothy 2:13). Grace brought me to my knees again and I started praying with plenty of hope that I believed healing was happening. I was flying on the wings of faith! Revival was around me and my mood was just on track. I loved the obvious possibility of transformation. The glory of this present house will be greater than the glory of the former house (Haggai 2:9). I wholly believed this word was for me and that things were taking a positive turn. The drug was doing wonders and with a decreased level of pain I was able to believe in God again. I had prayed for healing for a very long time and believed that it was happening this time. It had been a year of hurting with no relief until that very moment. It seemed as though a miracle of healing was afoot. I thought I was finally there, until I realized I wasn’t. Unless the Lord builds the house, the builders labor in vain. Unless the Lord watches over the city, the guards stand watch in vain (Psalm 127:1 NIV). I thought healing was happening but only as a result of medications and not His own doing. No wonder it didn’t last for long.
Reminders from my past mistakes and hurt wiped my faith out as though never there. I fell from a very high position this time. The disappointment in God got worse. I had believed in God for quite some time and now it seemed like He had let me by myself, again! I wished I was dead. My mind got creative: “Medications didn’t work, and prayer failed. What other options can I consider?” I thought of staining my life more than I thought it was already messed up. Growing up, the culture at home never allowed alcohol. However, I had heard some people say that when they took some, their hardships would disappear and would leave them feel generally well. I thought of getting myself drunk thinking that maybe some joy would come by to make me feel livelier. I also thought that if I got affirmed by a few men, maybe my sense of completeness would come back. However much frightened by my will I was, I thought of trying to see if these options would be of any help for a while. How then could I do such a wicked thing and sin against God? (Genesis 39:9 NIV). This verse started running in my head as I thought about drinking and men. I was so convinced that God had given up on me but no matter how deep the pain was, I couldn’t let myself do such things to hurt Him. I was so angry at God that while I was trying hard to not hurt Him, He seemed as though He was okay seeing me hurt all the way. At that point in life, I felt like I had seen it all from the world of darkness. “Is suicide a sin?”, I asked one of my friends. I was constantly telling myself that the least God would do for me was to not count my self-inflicted death as a sin. I felt like He was too slow in handling my matter, so I was willing to take it from His hands and do it my way. “Since you are taking a long time to come through for me, I hope that You won’t be hurt if I deal with my problems my way,” I prayed to Him.
"I doubted His faithfulness and asked why He had let depression become my lot and why He was so slow in ending the turmoil to the point where I hated breathing."
Does it feel like you’re out of options? Desperate from the tireless yet futile attempts which never seem to result in any long-lasting result? Let us take it to Jesus today in prayer for Him alone is specialized in handling our cares. He is the Maker of these hearts; who else can mend them if not Him?
Lord God, You are glorious and Almighty.
What I go through can never tarnish Your holiness.
Who You are remains across generations passed and to come.
I pray to You today for grace to walk on these waters of doubt with the faith You give.
I pray to You today for grace to renew my strength that I would praise You again in Your holy temple.
I pray to You today for rest as I quit trying to seek futile options outside Your will.
I pray to You today that You would open my eyes to who You truly are and Your love for me, Abba.
I pray to You today for grace that You would fill my soul with joy in Your presence and right hand.
All this I pray and believe in Your majestic name, AMEN.
